The Year That Wasn't!

Akash: How is it going guys! Wish you a very happy new semester. So, to start of this year me and Neeraj have formed an alliance to come up with a written podcast. No no, I won't kick off Neeraj midway just like Mulayam. I'm not yet in the zone broh..you continue Neeraj.

Neeraj: I know you folks are still recovering from that gala called new year's eve celebrations. I just hope all that alcohol, partying and loud music helped you to forget all the shit that happened in your life and made you feel happy. And if that didn't work, here's a little something for you guys to introspect about. 

Yesterday, just when couples were kissing under the mistletoe at the stroke of midnight, I was busy slaughtering iguanas in my dreams with a chainsaw, dressed up in camel toe. And then, 2016 paid me a brief visit before going away into nowhere land. Yeah. You might think who the fuck dreams about iguanas. Well I do. Iguanas are awesome as fuck. Anyway, I just had a chat with 2016. And then, this guy Akash, popped out of a stuffed mannequin and managed to scare the shit out of me. It was me, Akash and 2016. What happened next will make you wish you had a gun to blow your brains and paint the wall with it!

*The following incident does not bear any resemblance to any person living or dead. Everything is absolutely delusional. Strong reader discretion is advised if you are reading forth, sissies might end up bleeding out their asses. DO NOT read ahead if you are prone to being offended easily with foul language and satire*

2016: So, celebrating over my farewell.

Neeraj: I'd rather call it a funeral, to be precise. I wouldn't want to see you again. Ever.

Akash: Haha. I worked so hard this year that much I haven't throughout my life, you asshole. You're not to be celebrated. You're an overthinkers worst nightmare.

2016: Calm down fellas. Why is everyone hating me so much? 

Neeraj: I guess that's what Hitler would have said in heaven.

Akash: Do you even remember what you did 2016? You're like Satan in disguise, what were you smoking?

2016: Come on guys, don't be sissies. You can do a lot better than this whining. Just tell me where I went wrong and maybe I'll give you a piece of my mind!

Akash: OK! We ask and you speak. Let's get this rolling.
*everyone nods in agreement*

[Jan: WHO announces an outbreak of Zika virus]

A: You had to start the year with a worldwide threat, didn't you?
2016: Let me get this straight. You were the guys who were complaining about how the 2012 apocalypse didn't happen as predicted. One small virus and you lose your shit. Indian moms stuff their kids with almonds to double the brain size. I do that with a virus and suddenly I'm bad.
N: But for fuck's sake, at least have the decency to act on your threats. Zika has disappeared away just the way the Mayan apocalypse did. Mere empty threats.

[Britain votes to exit the European Union]

A: What about Brexit? That was uncalled for.
2016: You two always complain about being forever alone. I just wanted to teach guys like you. Y'all can't get a lady to split her legs for you. I split an entire country. Own that shit.
N: So we should be taking referendums instead of swiping left on tinder. Just accept the fact that you slept with that obnoxious prick called Nigel Farage.

[America votes Donald Trump to power]

N: Let's not forget the American presidential elections. Who does that!
2016: Don't blame that on me. You were the ones complaining about radical feminism. I just helped you guys by making a man defeat a woman. You should thank me.
A: Yeah right! Lets make 2016 great again.

[On Harambe's death]

A: What about Harambe broh? You can't deny that you fucked up there.

2016: To be honest I really was trying to show the world how kind animals can be. Harambe was just protecting that kid from those noisy irritating humans. You were the ones who screwed it up by shooting him. Harambe died for your sins. You guys definitely know what status you gave to the last guy who died for your sins.
N: Well, may our lord savior rest in peace! But do you even have an explanation for Alan Rickman?
2016: Well, those potter-heads need to learn the truth that "Always" doesn't work in real life. Just like true love.
N: Strangely, that explains Brangelina split as well.

[On Olympic games]

N: Why did Phelps have to retire during the Olympics?
2016: Well...
*Akash interrupts*
A: What!! Phelps retired? There was an Olympic? When?
2016: Don't tell me you did not know. It was held in August.
A: Oh. Well then my apologies. During August I was preparing for my GRE. I would have chosen hours of studying over getting laid. So was in hibernation.
2016: To be practical, your GRE was one good thing that happened. Thank me for that!
A: Thanks but don't you change the topic now.

[On Pokemon Go]

A: What were your plans with Pokemon Go. The game honestly didn't go anywhere.
2016: Well that was just a bait. While you all were busy with your obsession, I was taking away some of your very celebrated people. By the time you guys came to your senses, a lot of damage had been done.
N: I hate Pokemons now.

[On taking away legends]

A: Well honestly, you were so brutal on music fans. You choose one of the worst sellout bands to perform in Mumbai. We lost a great band in the Paris attacks. Greenday, Radiohead, Metallica made comebacks just to fall on deaf ears. We lost Prince and many others. All you made people listen to is Chainsmokers and Ppap. That's not even real music.
N: Yes. What's the deal with pulling the plug on Bowie and all those musical geniuses?
2016: I'm sorry for that. You humans are becoming really poor with your taste in music. I did all the deceased artists a favor. Th!ey didn't have to see this shit.

To be frank, this generation doesn't deserve them. A generation dancing and partying off to music that makes my ears bleed. So, I just took them away for greater good.
N & A(in unison): Couldn't agree more.

[On Demonetization]

N: What about demonetization. That came out of nowhere!
2016: Look that was quite simple. My residence is in hell. The thing about hell is that all my cash would get burnt as soon as I visited my home. Hence cashless! Stroke of genius right?!
A: BC I didn't have any money back then and won't be having much of it even now. So, I couldn't give a damn less.

[On the pathetic state of humanity in Aleppo] 

A: You're too quick witted for your own good. But how can you justify the shit happening in Syria?

N: Do you even have an answer for Aleppo?

2016: Don't you guys fucking blame me for Aleppo. You power hungry selfish and greedy bastards. The shit you folks would do for oil and money is beyond my sense of understanding. Killing children? Is there even a bar to how low you folks can stoop? Or is it just an unending abyss of destruction and despair?  Middle east has always been a disaster. And you humans are the ones solely responsible for the worst of it.

*someone flings a dog off the roof in the background and shouts "Happy New Year"*

2016: See, this was what I was talking about. Well, as much as I'd like to talk with you two. I think its time for me to take leave. You guys look like sensible people. Let me tell you one thing. Humans brought this on themselves. How idiotic can you be. It's basic knowledge that when you give someone something, it is their property. You gave money to the central government, they passed it on to the state. You cannot make a claim on it once it is gone. Now what the state does with their cash is their wish. For all I know they may build a statue or they may make dildos rain from the sky. So much tomfoolery just because you have the right. Mind me, these are the guys who post visiting the statue of liberty as their life goals on Instagram and are now whining. This planet needs to take a step back, relax and introspect for a while. I warn you that I was just a teaser, there's more to come if you don't learn to fucking behave like humans! Remember, it can always get worse!

*2016 hands a joint to both of us*

2016: Well, consider this my parting gift to you. That's the best grass from hell. Screw you guys, I'm going home!

*Poof*
He departs and we just sit there staring at a a burning effigy of 2016, wondering how to arrange for a lighter!



Thank You for reading! A big thanks to my buddy Neeraj for agreeing to this collaboration. Do visit his blog at http://www.skepticalthoughts.net/. He writes awesome stuff.
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Until next time!
Au Revoir.